Category Archives: Life

It’s what happens

Apr 16 2013

The one with the Fear and the Doubt


Fear and Doubt are two things that are personal to the ‘you’.

Today I find myself in a place where I have both, and there are rare periods of time when I have the fear or I have the doubt.

They’re not common periods, and seem to come and go as quickly as a moment.

I’m not sure I have  them about a specific things, or  whether I’m  just generally in doubt, or in fear.

Not doubtful but in doubt. I doubt my security at my workplace, isn’t the same as being doubtful about my job security. For the former is a feeling I have, an uncertainty as a reaction to things, an it’s not based on any outward events, actions or news that would lead me otherwise to doubt things.

Doubt as a reaction to a change, and not being able to settle to a position on it. Doubt because you’re not actually sure about the journey you’re being asked to go on.

I sometimes have the doubt in my own ability, and if I have the fortitude to get me through the journey.

The Fear. Sometimes I have this with the doubt. Sometimes just on its own.

Fear of getting old, of not having done enough, of being poor. A fear that somehow you’ve left something undone. A fear your life is about to be tipped over off balance.

So where has my suddenly melancholy fear and doubt some from?  And when will it go away, and when will I know it has? Why has a sudden introspection thrown me off my good game?

I know that I’m feeling this way, and have fallen into a funk which makes it somewhat worse, I think acknowledging it is a start to making it better. Im not about to go sit on a cliff top or by the waters edge and spend hours in contemplation, it’s not a depression I have, just a fear and doubt.

And I’m sure that this too will pass

Related articles
Apr 5 2013

Things I wish I’d written #1


I was on the Spotify and I came over all a bit of this and that. And well there are a few things that you need to know and a few things you need to carry with you in life, some of that might be the poetry and some of that might be the song lyrics.

Song Lyrics…..

I dont mean things like the David Bowie – Word on a Wing – which is a song that I’d be happy to be stuck with forever, the Station To Station album being the only one that I would take to the desert island with me…

In this age of grand illusion you walked into my life out of my dreams
I don’t need another change, still you forced away into my scheme of things
You say we’re growing, growing heart and soul
In this age of grand illusion you walked into my life out of my dreams

But I think these came to mind tonight as lyrics that rang my bell, the refrain that when I hear it makes me smile in that way that reminds me of being 15, of a different time, a different time, a different place….. . Some from not that long ago, some that I go back to.

The newest one first, then in no particular order:

And I’d give the world if it were mine
To let these memories slip my mind
And wake up next to you one more time

http://www.lyricsmania.com/santa_fe_lyrics_eilen_jewell.html

At the top I’m stopping by
Your place of work and acting like
I haven’t dreamed of you and I
And marriage in an orange grove
You are the only thing in any room you’re ever in

http://www.lyricsmania.com/starlings_lyrics_elbow.html

You see i went on the roller coaster last night when i was feeling bad
Down by the sea in santa cruz and i was feeling sad
But we went down, and around, and it knocked me out of my head.
Well, i went on the coaster and my heart was heavy as lead
But we went down, and around, and it knocked me out of my head.
I say whoa-oh-oh, for it knocked me out of my head. let’s go…

http://www.lyricstime.com/jonathan-richman-roller-coaster-by-the-sea-lyrics.html

A friend of mine grows his very own brambles
They twist all around him ’til he can’t move
Beautiful, quivering, chivalrous shambles
What is my friend trying to prove?

http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858709571/#wlDBsgjksCTiWS4h.99

He’s not into miracles
Sees life all too cynical
The cat has got his tongue
Now she bangs on his drum
He says pull the other one
Bells ring, look what you have done
Emotions leaking out
Her paint’s all over town

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/squeeze/annie+get+your+gun_20129200.html

I’m sure you have your own, and I’m sure I have few more refrains that will come back to me now that I’m thinking about it, stand by ….

Jan 28 2013

4th Annual Rings Beach Food and Drink Festival


The 4th Annual Rings Beach, Coromandel, Food and Drink Festival, Saturday January 26th.

A new beach tradition, originally started to honour a birthday, has now taken a life of it’s own. Hosted at one of the beach homes this is purely a fun affair. Entry is free, and optional.

The rules, where there are any, are that dish is either a “sweet” or a “Savoury” and has to have a matched drink to go with it. It also has to be “Foreign”. So for example you could enter Sushi and Sake, if you dared.

Some things you need to  know about “Rings Beach Life” is that you can’t enter something that you’d reasonably expect to have, so Crayfish, and Scallops would be considered a bit of a no, since they are regularly dived for by various residents.

Similarly there are some traditional things that you shouldn’t enter, a smoked Salmon for instance, as this is one of the centre pieces at the Rings Beach Christmas day gathering, along with Scallops, and Crayfish.

Everyone attending gets to make one vote in each of the 4 categories.

The prizes are awarded in the categories

  • Best Dish –  Savoury
  • Best Dish  - Sweet
  • Most Original
  • Best Overall

It was decided that there would be a new category next year, best cocktail or matched drink, which might turn into a best matched pair award, I hope it doesn’t since the Sangria served with one of the dishes was singularly brilliant!

There were three “Sweet” desserts, A Danish Trifle, a Strawberry gateaux and a Blueberry tartlet. Competition in that category is fierce.

The winner was the Danish Trifle, possibly due to an alcohol content, but it was really tasty

The “Savoury” category had a lot of entrants, in no particular order, and from my poor memory;

  • Marinated Smoked Mussels, matched with a Stoke Smokey Ale
  • Chinese Chicken and Corn Soup, matched with a Scrumpy Punch
  • Lebanese burgers, matched with a vodka cocktail
  • Lamb Tagine, matched with an “El Morocco” cocktail
  • Cucumber Soup and Naan, matched to a Sauvignon Blanc
  • Fish Pie, matched with a Chardonnay
  • Cheese sticks and Sauvignon
  • Jambalaya, matched to a Sauvignon
  • Buffalo Beach beef bourguignon, matched with a Red Wine
  • Pickle Dogs, matched with Budweiser
  • Meatballs and chorizo, matched to a Sangria
  • Possum Eye Pie, matched with a Red Wine
  • and page 45 of the Donna hay cookbook, and a strawberry cocktail

The Winners;

The Jambalaya won the best savoury prize, the Beef bourguignon won the best overall, the possum eye pie won the most original

I ate some of everything and the Possum eye pie was spectacular, the Beef dish was divine, the Danish Trifle was a treat. And whilst I didn’t think the Jambalaya was the best dish there it was very special and tasty and did deserve to win.

The prizes consisted a selection of tiaras, wands and beads from the $2 shop, and there was a special award of a wooden spoon to one voter for being vocal :-)

 

Dec 15 2012

The 12 ways of Christmas – The Dinner


Since I moved from the Northern Hemisphere to the Southern (England to New Zealand) I’ve always struggled with the concept of  Santa, Trees, Snow, and the “full’ Christmas dinner.

There are some things that just are Christmas dinner, so I can set those aside.

The Trifle for dessert.  There’s probably a law or something that requires trifle on christmas day. Can’t abide the stuff myself, but Father-in-law and the children love it.

I made is a mission a few years ago to come up with a dessert suggestion that I thought would be both “common” and at the same time “challenging” to make. The first one I cam up with was  ”Cassata Ice-cream”. Which turned out to be a roaring success.

Pavlova are a challenge to make, but usually end up well, and given the amount of wine you’ve had before you get to pudding then who cares?

Eton Mess. Which has to be the easiest of my suggestions, fruit, cream and meringue, enough to make a man fat.

But back to the timeline. It’s summer, or getting summery in December in New Zealand, and for years we soldiered on with a roast turkey, Ham, potatoes, vegetables, gravy. One year we just said that enough was enough, and that it seemed daft to have a full dinner on a day when there was much to celebrate and enjoy by way of family and friends than to stand in the kitchen and cook.

So we’ve pushed back “dinner” from 6pm to 8pm, and  we’ve had Salmon and potato Salad, We’ve had Scotch Fillet on the BBQ, something a bit “posh” but not the “old way”.  I’ve also been known to make dinner bread rolls.

One year we asked the children what starter they wanted, and one of them suggested prawn cocktail, which we had to have in the traditional way in a wine glass, oh the horror!

But the end is always Trifle, and one other thing.

This year even to change it up a bit more we’re having our traditional family christmas dinner on christmas eve. It’s the only evening when the children are going to be with us as due to work commitments and them needing the money more than me have to head back to the city on Christmas day evening.

Back in the day though the abiding memory I have of christmas Turkey was the one time when Dad had made a big deal about bringing the Turkey home for christmas dinner. He did turn up with one, Feathers and all. A big one. I have no idea where he got it from, or even why he thought it was a good idea.

Ever plucked a turkey on the back doorstep at 7pm at night in the freezing cold?

Christmas dinner at my childhood home would have been an all-in affair, not only the parents  8 children, the dog, but various girlfriends and boyfriends, neighbours and acquaintances. Dinner was served on a roster system, how do you fit that many around a table that seated 6 :-) It would have been a big turkey.

Nov 24 2012

Big Night In!


It’s the festive season, when workplace parties begin to kick in, and tonight I find myself with the prospect of being home alone.  MrsPdubyah is off the “Foodstore” down on the viaduct,  for her party, which makes me a bit Jealous to be honest. But I’ll man up and get over it.

Daughter will be here, but she’s turned into a room dweller, and might even be going out, who knows with kids.

So I have a check-list of things to get or make sure I have;

  1. Beer – Selection of
  2. Ribs
  3. Curley Fries
  4. Camembert
  5. Sundry other

No, it’s complete, 5 things are all you need, which is why it’s  a 5 point checklist. Salad might sneak in under “Sundry”, but only if it’s in the coleslaw style. Crackers should come under that as well.

Up to repeat #3 and it keeps sounding better. ...

Up to repeat #3 and it keeps sounding better. #xx #coexist #nofilterneeded #goosebumps #touchingmyself (Photo credit: P. Scott)

Music isn’t a consumable, except for the ears. Tonight

  • The XX – Coexist – just how enjoyable is this album, if you’ve got Spotify give this a crack
  • Heart Attack Alley – Living In Hell

and from the musty box in the Garage….

I could get used to this.

Related articles
Nov 15 2012

The one with the dodgy kidney


I’ve been living with IgA nephropathy for since 1990 ish

I saw a medical man today, (5th November) Professor Ian Simpson, about it. It’s been since 1998 since I’ve seen anyone, since I was discharged from the out care unit at Auckland Hospital, in factt. And so I’ve been doing this worrying about my kidneys since, and making sure I keep a regular check on them, and all that.

How did this come about, the referral all of a sudden, well that’s a tale of two things. The second thing first.

My regular doctor changed buildings recently and as part of they hoof all all paper records to the new place, and in reviewing them when I went to see him last it came as a bit of a surprise to him that I had a “condition”. So off I went with a referral.

Such a nice man, Professor Simpson, a conversational doctor, who told me by and by many things, gave me a bag of advice and a few warnings. I came away uplifted,

The kidneys, well I thought they’d been damaged by a virus thing, an upper respiratory infection, and ear ache of Brobdingnagian proportions and an sore throat is what I remember, it was long time ago 1990.

But! my kidneys are fine and dandy, everything I’ve been doing to look after them has been spot on, including the 6 monthly blood tests, and the medication.

All I have to do is lose about a gazillion kilograms and get a bit active. And he says I’ll be on the right side of the longevity thing, uplifting or what!

In an update today it appears that Auckland DHB have lost my medical records including the slides or whatever of the biopsy that I had, but not to worry the general thing still stands that I’m in fine fettle, and need to focus a bit on me.

The upshot really though is that I’ve been living with a monkey on my back for a long time, a background nagging, but it appears that although I’ve been doing the wrong thing that I might not have been doing enough of the good things. So I can relax a bit about the state of the things, and move on.

Nov 10 2012

The less of me – revisited


I started with the good intention, in June, the walking, for the weight loss, the general fitness, the sense of wellbeing and accomplishment , and all the good things that that brings.

Well I started, then I broke a toe, then life happened and that. So… some excuses later, and fast forward from June 14 to November 10, and I know you’re thinking what-the-hey, thats like 5 months, and you’d be right there.  But life indeed was happening and sometimes that intrudes on your good intentions.

Summer is here and we’re off again.

This time though I upgraded from the Nike+ Sportband to the Nike+ GPS watch. Which altogether appeals more to my sense of big brother wathching me.

And full of the enthusiasm I was faster today than the previous efforts, to be fair it is warmer, I’m wearing less clothes and I have new motivation.

Can I keep it up though. Only I can know and only I can let me down.

Oct 22 2012

Chores for Peace….


Incandescent Bipin light bulb

Incandescent Bipin light bulb (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m on a roll with the chores today, and you know how chores can be the mundane. So in no particular order (but actually the order I did them in);

  1. Change one of the tiny halogen light bulbin the kitchen
    • Find replacement bulb.
    • Take everything out of cupboard
    • Locate bulb
    • Put everything back in cupboard
    • Change bulb
  2. Change a different bulb in the kitchen
    • See step one and repeat
  3. English: Advertising postcard, picture side, f...

    English: Advertising postcard,  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    “Fix” washing machine

    • Washing machine “overflowed” in the week, it’s my job to know why. Apparently.
    • Discuss possible causes, get ridiculed.
    • Decide that it’s nothing more than generally blocked and needs a cleaner.
    • Mix cleaner, administer, wait a bit.
    • Discuss why it did not work a bit.
    • Ignore discussion and go for something a bit manual.
    • Get under sink, disassemble pipe “A”.
    • Find pipe “A” has water in it, pour into sink.
    • Find towel to mop up under sink where you just poured all the water over yourself and floor
    • disassemble pipe “B”  that us attached to “A”. being the “U shaped one.
    • Remove two clothes peg and about half a sock’s worth of lint”
    • Do a little happy dance.
    • Ask wifey how a clothes peg in let alone two made it into the sink?
    • get reproachful look.
    • get back under sink.
    • reassemble pipes.
  4. Français : Taille-haie Husqvarna 323 HD 60. Ta...

    Français : Taille-haie Husqvarna 323 HD 60. Taille-haie thermique standard. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    Trim the garden hedge

    • Try to avoid this one, but whilst I was on chore 3 MrsPdubyah has been on the intertubes and the local hire pool is open
    • Wait for MrsPdubyah to change, since she wants to visit the burley man at the hire place
    • Hire hedge trimmer, industrial sized
    • Trim hedge to required standard and height, width and density.
    • Only nearly cut myself.
    • get sympathy.
    • get told to get on with the hedge.
    • get told to do the hedge at the back.
    • get supervised.
    • get told to do it some more
    • get a drink
    • get back onto the job
    • get told to do it some more
    • apparently “it’s not even” is full and complete instruction on how to trim a hedge to a satisfactory standard
    • massacre hedge out of spite
    • get congratulated, how’s that happen?
    • take trimmer back, pay the man, have blokey laugh about the peace I’ve just earned.
  5. Coffee cup

    Coffee cup (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

    Get Coffee

    • put petrol in car.
    • order coffee.
    • wait for coffee beans to grow.
    • wait for cow to be born.
    • wait until cow can produce milk.
    • I’m sure Oil is made quicker than this.
    • get home with luke warm coffee.
    • MrsPdubyah abandons gardening in favour of a magazine.
    • instead of music the gently whirl and beep of washing machine in the background

All is at peace in house, and all I have to do is buy some new bulbs and hide them for the next installment of change the bulb….

Jul 15 2012

Those Three Little Words…


Empty Nest Syndrome.

MrsPdubyah was moping about the house yesterday ‘unfulfilled’ and generally mooching and moody, #1Son has allegedly left home and MrsPdubyah yesterday used some of my beer tokens to buy him a fridge/freezer for his new house.

I say allegedly left home, I just checked his room, There is a fair amount of detritus and general things left that I wonder if he’s hoping that we’ll decide for him to throw it away.

Oh and the clothes. I’m hoping that he has more clothes than what he wore to work, since there is a pile of things. MrsPdubyah will either drive over to the new house, expect me to take them to #1Son, or wait for him to come home, the latter is unlikely.

So Empty Nest Syndrome. The feeling of helplessness, the angst of your children living away from the nest.

MrsPdubyah is a bit strange on some aspects of this, we’ve paid for a tenancy bond, and now we’ve assisted substantially with home appliances. We’ve also brought #1Son a car recently, so he’s had a fair chunk of our financial resources.

She assures me that he’s been given the hard word, that the ties are cut, and that he’s on his own. And then she talks about taking over a food parcel.

The fine line between letting them go to get on with it, and the tie that says you don’t want them to fail. The arms length thing.

I know that some parents care less about their children leaving and live for the day, I can justify our difference by saying that as immigrants we don’t really have any other extended family, no wider family that’ll be called on in an emergency. Not that there will be one.

Not exactly the three little words I wanted to hear then. I did suggest that we could leave our 4 bedroom house since we clearly don’t need at least two of the bedrooms and right-size our life. I leave it to you imagination as to how that worked out for me. Seems we’ve relocated the newly vacant bedroom as a sewing/dressing room. Who knew that that was what was missing in our life?

The upside is #1Daughter gets her own bathroom, free of boy things, so she’s happy. Although she pretends to miss her brother I think not.

For me? Well I could leverage this feeling of empty to get me some outward display of love, I wonder if it stretches to a PS/3 and GT4 ?

Related articles
Jul 7 2012

Growing up – the one with the leaving home.


#1 Son is about to leave the parental home and set up a love nest with this girlfriend. It’s been a while coming.

As a father I’m pleased that he’s at last making his way in the world and leaving home to set out anew is a big step for anyone to take.

So they’ve found a place to live, and it sounds very 70′s. They have a few things between them, or rather the girlfriend has a few things, since she’s been living away from her parents for a few years. #1 son brings nothing to the table, not even a table.

We’re going to help with the bond for the flat, but MrsPdubyah is reluctant to do more than that. Which is strange possibly because deep down she does not want him to leave the house. You’d think she’d be all for setting him up and letting him go. Proves you can be married for many many years and really not get your partner.

Anyway west down to talk about what they might need to get them into a normal life. The list went like this;

  • Broadband
  • Fridge
  • Washing Machine
  • Table and Chairs
  • Crockery
  • Knives and forks
  • Chest of draws for clothes
  • Electricity Account

in that order. Really yes.

Last night #1 son had an intense hour on the interwebtubes looking at the price of broadband plans.

I’m sure he’ll be right, his girlfriend will sort out his lack of ability to pick up dirty clothes and to his inability to find the kitchen sink to wash plates up. It’s a big challenge.

One thing MrsPdubyah did say to #1 Son was that because they didn’t have a washing machine that he’d be fine to drop off his dirty laundry to home and she’d be happy to wash it and drop it back to him. WTF seriously!