Category Archives: Teens

Jul 15 2012

Those Three Little Words…


Empty Nest Syndrome.

MrsPdubyah was moping about the house yesterday ‘unfulfilled’ and generally mooching and moody, #1Son has allegedly left home and MrsPdubyah yesterday used some of my beer tokens to buy him a fridge/freezer for his new house.

I say allegedly left home, I just checked his room, There is a fair amount of detritus and general things left that I wonder if he’s hoping that we’ll decide for him to throw it away.

Oh and the clothes. I’m hoping that he has more clothes than what he wore to work, since there is a pile of things. MrsPdubyah will either drive over to the new house, expect me to take them to #1Son, or wait for him to come home, the latter is unlikely.

So Empty Nest Syndrome. The feeling of helplessness, the angst of your children living away from the nest.

MrsPdubyah is a bit strange on some aspects of this, we’ve paid for a tenancy bond, and now we’ve assisted substantially with home appliances. We’ve also brought #1Son a car recently, so he’s had a fair chunk of our financial resources.

She assures me that he’s been given the hard word, that the ties are cut, and that he’s on his own. And then she talks about taking over a food parcel.

The fine line between letting them go to get on with it, and the tie that says you don’t want them to fail. The arms length thing.

I know that some parents care less about their children leaving and live for the day, I can justify our difference by saying that as immigrants we don’t really have any other extended family, no wider family that’ll be called on in an emergency. Not that there will be one.

Not exactly the three little words I wanted to hear then. I did suggest that we could leave our 4 bedroom house since we clearly don’t need at least two of the bedrooms and right-size our life. I leave it to you imagination as to how that worked out for me. Seems we’ve relocated the newly vacant bedroom as a sewing/dressing room. Who knew that that was what was missing in our life?

The upside is #1Daughter gets her own bathroom, free of boy things, so she’s happy. Although she pretends to miss her brother I think not.

For me? Well I could leverage this feeling of empty to get me some outward display of love, I wonder if it stretches to a PS/3 and GT4 ?

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Jul 13 2012

Growing up – “It’s no use we’re losing her Captain”


Such a timid thing, I though. MissPdubyah has all the worldliness of a tea-spoon. This is the daughter who had to look up a map to see how to drive Browns Bay from our house (clue: It’s pretty much a straight line from here).

This is the daughter who got lost driving to Browns Bay. Seriously. The same daughter who failed her first attempt at a full drivers license for driving too slowly.

The same daughter who’s childhood memories are all stories that end “and I cried”

That one.

Well she has a casual contractor job with a mall shop. The hours she can work are at a whim of a manager. The hours she can get from her job in Albany have been curtailed because of a new employee, and so she was offered a chance to work in the St.Lukes shop. A bigger, better shop.

Travelling from our house to St.Lukes means a trip on the motorway over the harbor bridge. This is like some mystical gateway, a challenge, a barrier (think the Prisoner and the giant soap bubbles). Anyway having drawn her a map and spoken to her about what lanes were best to be in an when she got lost. And ended up in Newmarket, and this is one story that actually does end with… and I cried)

Given some counseling and new advice MissPdubyah managed to renegotiate the motorway system and ended up at work. She followed her manager’s car back to the motorway to get home.

That was then. Now we have ….

Thursday – I drove my friends to the Museum, and

Today I drove to Mission Bay for a yoghurt.

to Mission Bay. For a yoghurt. This is the modern equivalent of driving to the ‘tron for a milkshake.

I can’t believe how much, so suddenly a change like this happens. It’s like having a baby all over again, and the bit where you’re left wondering when did they stop saying choo-choo and start referring to them as diesel-electric engines.

I fear MrsPdubyah and I have lost her…… and found a new one. he says smiling

Jun 5 2012
Aside

After the last effort, where 40 in a 50, and 50 in a 60 zone don’t cut it for the examiner, Ms17 had another crack at it today, in the showery rain, and passed.

This is going to bring whole new new freedoms, such as staying out after 10pm, and being able to “lift” people to and from.

And it’s just awesome.

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Ms17 and the driving licence

May 14 2012

Growing up – the one with the frustration.


I care about my children a lot, and whilst by no means the best parent I think that between me and MrsPubyah we did an okay job.

Currently #1 son is looking for a full time job. His motivation is increasing as his desire to leave home and move in with his girlfriend increases. But it’s not an easy ride, and he seems to lack a get-up-an-go that perhaps I’d like him to have. Now this isn’t to say that he isn’t truing I’m sure he is, it’s just that he’d rather slope off to his room and play online games in the evening than try a conversation.

#1 daughter is a totally new frustration. Having given away top grade hockey because “she didn’t like it” was given a chance to go do some top grade umpiring for the National U18 tournament. This means that she needs to put some top work in umpiring the top grade hockey that she gave away. Frustratingly she doesn’t get that she can’t keep passing up opportunity, they sometimes don’t knock again.

She also doesn’t get that you have to commit to people if that’s what they expect.

She also doesn’t get that she has certain things like a fully insured car and petrol based on her past activity level. Also a pretty expensive gym membership. And she wants to go to the ball, and needs a ball gown, and no doubt shoes, handbag, makeup  and all sorts.

She also has an idea that she wants an 18th birthday party.

There are some things that I can accept, that after a lot of hockey you need a rest, but to forgo being with high performing people at a time that you need motivation in your life isn’t a good idea. We support her not playing hockey, it’s the right thing to do, but I’m struggling with supporting her lifestyle choices at the moment, particularly as she’s prevaricating and making it difficult for her and others to organize around.

Just frustrating. It’s not my life to live, but if I had had the opportunity and exposure that she’s had to things then I’m pretty sure I would have enjoyed them. And I’d hate to look back on my life and wonder what would have been if I hadn’t given it all up.

Rangitoto Hockey
Apr 5 2012

Jolly Hockey Sticks – the College edition


Rangitoto Hockey

Every year there is a pre-season Inter-College “tournament” at St. Cuthberts College in Remuera. It’s called the Anzac tournament and is by invitation only.

As part of promotion the College hosts the ANZAC Tournament, which is an invitational festival competition of teams from through out New Zealand.

Rangitoto College are the only public school to be invited to participate.

There is a traditional festival dinner held on the first evening of the two day event. Rangitoto College girls broke with tradition a few years a go and dressed “formally” in school uniform for the dinner, and in subsequent years this has become the norm.

This year however having changed school uniform through the year to some new fancy affair the 1st XI Hockey Girls won’t be able to wear a school blazer as the school “pool” of blazers is short the number they need.

Blazers are an optional item of school wear and they are not in common usage other than at formal events and occasion and the school rents them for use for events.

Daughter is besides herself. She feels that not being able to dress up for the festival dinner is a poor signal from the school in a couple of areas. Firstly she thinks that this is an indication of the “worth” of the Hockey team to the School.

The team is in the premier grade, and has won or been in Intercity and National Finals consistently for many years.

Secondly she feels that being able to dress up to represent the college carries with it more kudos and mana among what you could consider a list of élite private schools. She has pride in spades

So she wrote a letter to the head of sports, her coach, and a couple of other teachers in the school. All for the cause. Like I said to her “If you do nothing you get nothing”

I hope something comes of it, she thinks it’s important enough, I hope the school does too.

5th of April update

Having presented her letter to he Dean and her Tutor, as well as the HOD Sports blazers became available. She’s not taking any credit for it of course,  but I told her she should even if she doesn’t believe it :-) My activist daughter, who knew!

Feb 12 2012

Trying Teen Times – the grown up one – A New Car revisited.


*Insert swearing word here*, well insert a few.

Seems that although superficially the new to you car was pretty tidy turns out it was just waiting to blow up. Firstly it took to popping the overflow radiator hose thing off, then the top radiator hose done and split, which meant a tow truck lift home.

The mechanic fixed that, tested it for a head gasket leak, which seemed to show that it was all hunky dory, until the next time it was driven where upon it’s done it dash and now refuses to work.

The cylinder head has been at the testers who report back that the “head is soft” which can’t be a good thing, and that it’d been taken off and repaired previous. Repairing it again might make it last 2 weeks, two months or two years, or never need doing again.

So as a lesson in trusting the person you’re buying from this has come as a bit of a blow, as does being seduced by pretty things that look nice. I guess if they were honest they’d still own the car, and that wasn’t their plan.

On the upside although it was a couple thousand dollars invested in what essentially is a road side ornament it’s not a life shattering send me in to poverty spiral amount of money.

On the downside that was the contingency fund spent, and there isn’t another stash of cash that we can flash on a new car.

The repair cost for the red roadside ornament would be equal to the amount that we could get in a return for the repair, $2000 to repair a car that when repaired would be worth $2000. But there are alternatives, one of which a replacement engine or head. The mechanic is going to let me know.

So I think we’ll have to fall on the mercy of the bank manager to top our mortgage a little, get something that comes with a bit of a guarantee and accept that this time it was a “swing with no ding”

So anyone want a red roadside garden ornament, does have a WOF :-)

Jan 22 2012

Trying Teen Times – Part the Seventh – Getting your life back


Sunday, 11am. We’re mooching about the house with no plans, nothing left undone and no children in the house. Eldest is off for the weekend, as he has been for many months now, with his girlfriend. Youngest is working at her part-time job that she has had since before christmas.

Sunday 11am. We’re mooching about the house with no plans, nothing left undone and no children in the house. We were going to go for a beachfront walk today, or the park, or both, we’re so exciting, and today it’s raining. So that’s put the lid on that one.

Sunday 11am. Second coffee of the day for the Wife. Such is the day that it’s still yesterdays newspaper that is being read.

Since out children have grown up and become very independent, particularly since they both have cars and their own circles of friends we’ve had to adjust to doing what we want to do, and when we want to do. We’ve rediscovered the joys of moping about town and having a coffee and croissant as our whim takes us, we’ve even had weekend breaks away without them.

But I can see where the stress of not having children around would take a toll on relationships, as much as having them when they are younger does. I can even understand why many marriages end in divorce at this stage of the relationship, if you don’t have other things that bind you together and you’re living your life vicariously though your children then it’s all of a sudden a screeching halt on the day.

We’re fortunate that we both have discussed this and we’ve both made a real effort to make an effort to do things together, we’ve seen this coming from afar, and I know that I talk to my colleagues and peers about what’s happening and the empty nest syndrome.

It’s liberating and refreshing of course, but it is hard work, and a lot of things we still need to do, and to rediscover. I’m sure there are many friends we’ve not met and many things left undone.

Now if only I can persuade my wife that I don’t need a hobby of any sort and that I’m perfectly happy doing what I’m doing. And of course this means doing stuff like taking more pictures, reading and doing what she expects, but I’m pretty good at that sometimes.

Oh and not getting another cat, that would be a bit of a win. I’m sure we don’t want to become crazy pet people who substitute dogs or cats for kids and tie themselves with a badge of courage for doing so, you know the type “I can’t because of the dog…”

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Jan 17 2012

Trying Teen Times – the grown up one – Part the Sixth – A New Car


Well we found a car, a very low mileage two owner Mazda Astina 1994 – which makes it only slightly younger that the #Boychild, and so we brought it.  It comes as standard including the steel wheels, factory stereo and an aerial that goes up and down when you put the radio on – it even has a cassette tape  player!

It’s not that we didn’t want to but as I may have mentioned it was about continued independence and freedom. I can almost hear the sighs and see the eye-rolling exasperation from some of you :- “How spoilt and unnecessary is that?” you may be thinking (about the car not the sighs and eyes).

We’re not proud, we are definitely not rich, and this puts us even further away from any goal of savings we might have. It’s not about those things, it’s about family and it’s about getting on. We’re lucky to be able to, as I’m sure many of you are not as lucky, or fortunate.

It’s insured against crashing into someone else and from being stolen, as are all the cars we variously own, and is good to go. How mad is insurance pricing though? 3rd Party, Fire and Theft $80 per Quarter, or Fully Comp at $80 per month. It’s a car not the crown jewels, he hasn’t been in an accident in three years, may that continue.

I don’t know if it’s as economical, sadly #Boychild isn’t in the least bit connected with the finer nuances of ownership of cars, such as, oh, checking the water in the washer bottle, or the fuel mileage he can expect from a litre of go-juice

I’ll feel better about him travelling to and fro in this one over the last one he had/has which really was, in the local parlance “a bomb” and is for sale to someone who might wish to buy it – really cheap.

 

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Jan 12 2012

Trying Teen Times – the grown up one – Part the Fifth – Cars


A couple of years ago #Boychild wanted a car, and we made him save his hard-earned cash for one. It was only a ‘bomb’, and was never going to last the distance. To be honest we paid half the cost and insisted that he have at least 3rd party insurance, and undertake a defensive driving course.

As an aside you get no discount whatsoever for doing a defensive driving course, which seems wrong. He’s had one accident where he bumped into someone and we settled for cash.

We’ve had to buy tires, and a battery, and some rust work fixed up a bit, oh and he’s had the brakes fixed.

Owning a boat would be cheaper!

Today it died. It appears to my un-mechanical eye that the head gasket has failed and that’ll be terminal, since the cost of fixing that would be more than the car costs, or owes us. Madness.

The difficult part of this as a parent is that #Boychild is currently in-between gigs, i.e. he’s unemployed at this present moment in time (and that’s a whole other story). And he does have some of a social life, friends he visits and a long time girlfriend who lives way way over the other side of town.

Public transport is a bit of a joke and would add multiple hours of travel time onto a simple journey. Sure he can walk locally and get the bus where he knows he has to be where he has to be, but the trauma of going to self-reliant to public transport is a big ask.

The dilemma then, as a parent, is that we need to encourage said #Boychild his independence, and to encourage him to fly the nest and venture on his own two feet. Not having his own self-reliance and looking for a job is a bit of a handicap.

So once again I find my laser-eye surgery slipping further from my grasp as we (MrsPdubyah and me) are sort of resigned to furnishing a replacement set of wheels.

It just never ends.

Dec 28 2011

Trying Teen Times – the grown up one – Part the Fourth


It’s really difficult being a parent, especially one to a newly unemployed child. Unemployed because he quit at university, and has suddenly discovered that jobs are not like food in the pantry, always there (at least at home), but that you have to go hunt one out.

Not having a clue of course, and reluctant or willfully ignoring, advice, it’s suddenly dawned on him that he has to get his A into G and find something.

Like a bull at a gate he goes at it. Today we have the “What I.T. courses should I study?” to which I reply that I’d told him  2 years ago that he’d be advantaged by studying on and getting into something like VoIP. Today I have to tell him that it’s not like there is one qualification that’ll get him a job, it’s kind of bit specialized.

So I’ve sent him off to look at jobs he’d think he’d like to do, see what the qualification level is and go backwards from there, after all if he can find a bunch of “dream jobs” then he should  plan to work towards them knowing what the bar looks like?

Unless I’m wrong.

Today the driver is that 5 1/2 hours ago we mentioned to him that it would be a plan to keep searching for a job, and to be sending off his CV. I should be happier but when he sits next to me with a gamestaionboy device I know he’s been more focussed on some qualification and experience in something that’ll do him no good and have no relevance in anything he wants to do in life.