Tag Archives: Family

Jan 23 2013

January started with a hiss and a roar


It seems that January has  started with a hiss and roar.

New Years day morning (just after midnight) the Father taxi to recover Daughter from the Police Station where she is reporting a stolen purse. Which means having to deal with not only the trauma of being the victim of a crime, which is horrendous the first time, but the resulting tedium of replacing drivers licences, and bank cards, and student ID‘s.  Lucky though the phone wasn’t stolen, I’m not sure what would have been the worse tragedy.

New Kitten. Having put it off for 4 months we finally succumbed to a new kitten. A gray thing, noisy boisterous and playful. Bit of a challenge for the older cat though. Comes complete with micro-chip technology and is de-sexed no more cute kittens will be possible from this one.

New Year resolutions: The exercise, I’ve started with good intentions. Still find myself over-stepping which mean sore shins. But I’m giving it a full on go, which breaks a sweat, and I’ll be into jogging and interval soon. If only the weight would be as co-operative

Kms Miles Time
4-Jan 5.14 3.17 0:45:34
7-Jan 5.28 3.26 0:46:52
9-Jan 4.68 2.89 0:51:01
10-Jan 5.11 3.15 0:48:28
14-Jan 5.72 3.53 0:48:11
16-Jan 5.52 3.40 0:47:59
19-Jan 6.92 4.27 0:58:41
20-Jan 6.6 4.07 1:00:18
21-Jan 1.05 0.65 0:09:23
21-Jan 5.48 3.38 0:49:21

The Birthday: It’s MrsPdubyahs birthday, and after so many years I’ve run out of things to buy for her. It doesn’t help that she works with ready access to perfumes and cosmetics, or that I work in IT. This means that overall we have all the gadgets and she has all the look nice things already. I’ve tried jewelry, but this year we’ve been selling some of it off as it’s only ever seen the inside of a draw. I’m not bitter that she hates the things I buy her, and I’m sure I’m in for a surprise request any day soon. I will get a card and flowers (petrol station w/glitter sparkles).

Friends: We have a good friend who’s decided it’s time to move to Wellington. This means that should we care to continue to see each other that we would have to fly to Wellington. Which suits us, as we have some family there. Something to look forward to and something to miss.

Family: Son has brought himself a budgerigar. I think this was more his girlfriend than him. Not sure why. the challenge I guess.  Daughter is attending a summer paper at University for Chemistry, that she needs for her further studies, which she’s getting closer on deciding, possibly Nutrition and Psychology, or sports science.

Still to come:

The birthday night out with MrsPdubyah, downtown at a venue TBA, it’s no use me thinking up something, I’ll play dumb and go along with it.

The beach party where we’re expected to take a plate and matching drink “from around the world” so for example Sushi and Sake, if you were a bit lame. The challenge is coming up with something that looks flash and takes 5 minutes to throw together.

Oct 5 2012

Two Funerals and a wondering


To be honest it’s been a few funerals,  but specifically I’m thrown off by axis by one of which was this week, the other from 1988.

This week the funeral of a friend, Des Tierney, a good bastard by any measure. If I end up half a good a bastard then I’ll be spectacular. No one exemplified the meaning of community than Des. There won’t be a million words or books written about Des, and that’s a pity in some regards, but he’ll be an oral legend, around these and other parts.

The other funeral, my Father. The one I didn’t go to because I just moved to New Zealand, in 1987.

The thing that links them? Well in the sadness of things they both died before they were 60.

And why then would I be thrown into the funk that I have. Well I’m not getting any younger, and I’m now contemplating, as I did with some incredulity at 16, as being as old as my dad. Except now that the words “when he died” are added on the end.

So why should I panic about the age my father died? He was a heavy smoker with a sedentary lifestyle, it’s not the way I am. And how does the passing of a friend conflate a story to make it a doom.

In a normal thinking they don’t. But as your own mortality, and your own perception of that mortality changes you begin to fret. I spoke to a couple of of me friends about this, and they get it, what I’m feeling, they didn’t laugh, they just compared theirs to mine, and we all agreed that it was a nothing. It is what it is, there is no binary thing going on, that event A does not meant that it will equal a similar event  A for me, or them.

So now here I am wondering why it is that I never owned a Lotus Elite Turbo, and E-Type Jaguar. A 1967 Mustang fastback , or a V8 anything, and it’s not like that would define me in anyway. It might bring me immediate pleasure, and the added angst of maintaining and paying for it.

I’m now wondering why I never went home to England and abandoned almost everything to a new country, like no one ever did that, but I’ve not been home, not am I likely to go home, and I left in 1987. And yes it’s still home. Go figure.

Do I think people will tell grand stories about me when I die? You’re having a laugh, the most heroic I’ve been was when never.  Should I worry about that?

So a life just as ordinary. A fear and doubt. A surprise? There are many things in my head, and a weight on my shoulder that has descended for no reason other than self.

But if I had a motto to live by it would be “this too shall pass”, and it will. Might get that as a tattoo.

Sep 15 2012

Happy Families, the one with the lost photographs #2


I found some more recent pictures, some of me as a fine young man, and they are presented here for your amusement.

Yes almost literally in a tree, can you believe it?

Me holding onto my Dad and Uncle Jospeh in the foreground like he’s been startled by the Paparazzi. He’s dressed very well for a ramble in the countryside. Poland 1967ish

With my Cousin Andreiz (he’s the tall one) apparantly. Again in the trendy turn ups and a fashionable yellow top, probably with airplanes on it. On reflection shorts seemed a lot shorter and high-rider than now too

Back Left – Lesley, Back right – shirly with her Crystal tips hair, and Front Right Andy (looking like a tubber) and me on the front right.

Back Left – Lesley, Back right – shirly with her Crystal tips hair, and Front Right Andy (looking like a tubber) and me on the front right.
This was the day my sister got married, but it does bring me many memories of the back doorstep and having to shell peas, you can see it’s very worn, I have no idea why, and I don’t remember it being Red, but clearly it was!
I have no idea where, when or who took this, what context it’s in or anything.
Jul 15 2012

Those Three Little Words…


Empty Nest Syndrome.

MrsPdubyah was moping about the house yesterday ‘unfulfilled’ and generally mooching and moody, #1Son has allegedly left home and MrsPdubyah yesterday used some of my beer tokens to buy him a fridge/freezer for his new house.

I say allegedly left home, I just checked his room, There is a fair amount of detritus and general things left that I wonder if he’s hoping that we’ll decide for him to throw it away.

Oh and the clothes. I’m hoping that he has more clothes than what he wore to work, since there is a pile of things. MrsPdubyah will either drive over to the new house, expect me to take them to #1Son, or wait for him to come home, the latter is unlikely.

So Empty Nest Syndrome. The feeling of helplessness, the angst of your children living away from the nest.

MrsPdubyah is a bit strange on some aspects of this, we’ve paid for a tenancy bond, and now we’ve assisted substantially with home appliances. We’ve also brought #1Son a car recently, so he’s had a fair chunk of our financial resources.

She assures me that he’s been given the hard word, that the ties are cut, and that he’s on his own. And then she talks about taking over a food parcel.

The fine line between letting them go to get on with it, and the tie that says you don’t want them to fail. The arms length thing.

I know that some parents care less about their children leaving and live for the day, I can justify our difference by saying that as immigrants we don’t really have any other extended family, no wider family that’ll be called on in an emergency. Not that there will be one.

Not exactly the three little words I wanted to hear then. I did suggest that we could leave our 4 bedroom house since we clearly don’t need at least two of the bedrooms and right-size our life. I leave it to you imagination as to how that worked out for me. Seems we’ve relocated the newly vacant bedroom as a sewing/dressing room. Who knew that that was what was missing in our life?

The upside is #1Daughter gets her own bathroom, free of boy things, so she’s happy. Although she pretends to miss her brother I think not.

For me? Well I could leverage this feeling of empty to get me some outward display of love, I wonder if it stretches to a PS/3 and GT4 ?

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Jun 28 2012

Unhappy Families – the one with the long lost brother.


From previous posts you might have got the impression that there was a family member shy of a family. The youngest child had mysteriously and inexplicably decided to shy away from contact with the family and for years became estranged from the family.

You’ll probably also get that we’re not exactly a close family.  8 children and not a one of us lives in the same town, city as any other one, and in fact two of us live in different countries.

You’ll also have been intrigued by the implosion that the death of the mother has caused within the family an some apparent greed being played out.

I’ll put my hand up and say that since 1987, when I left the UK apart from the occasional call home to Mother that I hadn’t made any attempt to talk to my brothers or sisters, and it was decade before I met my older brother in Australia.  Yes a brother and also my mother came to visit in NZ, but that’s about it. We’re not a big on being a family family.

So it was with unreasonable joy that the youngest brother had decided, coincidentally, to make contact with the family  again. I really was elated. This made me feel whole again in some strange way.

And it was with trepidation that I emailed him, just a touch-base email, just in case.

What I wasn’t expecting was the quite harrowing and upsetting reply that I got back. And even now I’m saddened even to think about reading it again. The opposite of joy unbounded.

Because, quite frankly, the horrors that my brother has suffered through. Alone.

I’m ashamed, so very very ashamed. Even now I’m close to tears with emotion and distress. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just very confusing.

The bit that makes me cry is this:

“PS. Please excuse my grammar, I suffer terribly with dyslexia since I had a course of ECT treatment“

I don’t want this to be true. I don’t think that my wonderful life should be so wonderful when your own brother is having what is a horrific treatment for depression. It’s not what fair is.  It’s such a gulf, a chasm between what I have and what he’s had. I know that it’s not same/same and it’s not a fair compare. But it’s not something that I’m comfortable with.

I’m ashamed because I have a wonderful family (mostly), which is clear because even though after many years we can pick up where we left off, except older, grayer, fatter, wiser. And I’m so bereft, so alone, in a country where I have no family, and the relatives are all from MrsPdubyah’s side of the tree. And! they’re immigrants too, the family tree isn’t so much a tree as a stick.

So quite apart that I like it here and it is my home, it’s also been a prison of my own making and that belief that things are things, and that family will always be there at this point aren’t actually stacking up.

I wish I could have made it better, obviously I can from now, or I can try, but for my youngest brother I shall cry a few shamed and painful tears of regret, anger and frustration. I’m so so sorry.

May 26 2012

Unhappy Families – at least you can pick your friends – it continues.


I was all “Woe is me” recently, it’d been about 15 months since the mother died, and coming from a widely dispersed family settling the estate was proving a problem. The first problem was that there wasn’t a will.

The death was sudden and without suffering, and the fact that there was no will shouldn’t be a surprise. If you knew the family you’d know there was no surprise.

So as one of the furthest away from home  I’m also the one who makes the most noise. As you do.

Some of the family were so self absorbed as to be able to say “we don’t need the money it’ll work it’s way out”, and this is fine but alas things don’t just happen. I was a bit pointed when I remarked that the fact that although money might not be needed by them, it might be useful to someone else, like an old people’s refuge, or a injured service mans charity, for instance. Bit of a cad really.

I got a rightful serve by the family, who thought I was picking a fight and making an accusation of lazy, or worse. I felt a bit down about it to be honest. All I wanted was to resolve the estate and to let everyone get on with their disparate lives.

We’re not a  close family and despite a few attempts we are never going to have a reconciliation or a get together, just ain’t going to happen.

But wait…. since then, younger brother has got his wriggle on, and has sworn an allegiance to the queen or whatever it is you have to do in front of a judge, and has managed to secure a deed of probate which essentially means he is in control. FTW!

So the Letters of Administration will be issued and he will be in a position to make the Bank give up their secrets and allows him the power to withdraw the funds and that, essentially close the estate and divvy up the proceeds.

Except….. #1 sister is playing hard to get. This is the sister who spent a lot of time with the mother, and has made a big effort to make the funeral happen and to tidy up the edges. But at the same time #1 sister made some huge judgment calls about trinkets and trivia that benefitted those close. Don’t get me wrong these might have been the right calls and I’m not disputing or going to question it.

But there is some paperwork and some forms that need to be sent from A to B, and so far that hasn’t happened. Which is a can’t or won’t thing.  I’m not  saying that there is nefariousness or underhand at play, and I think that whatever is afoot is played out daily with family estates everywhere. nothing new, no new stories.

But what it does mean is that the mothers estate might only be a couple of months away from settled, and then the family can settle down to it’s own life again.

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Apr 27 2012

Unhappy Families – at least you can pick your friends.


My mother died just over a year ago March 2011, and despite her age suddenly, and without a will.

I’m from what would now be considered a large family of 8 children (5 boys, 3 girls) and I count myself as Number Six.

#3 child, the eldest sister and her daughter remained the closest, geographically, and spent a lot of time with mother through the years.

The rest of the family dispersed itself to parts afar and wide, myself in New Zealand,  #1 Son in Australia, others to Derby, others to Norfolk, a bit all over the place really. There is even a missing person, the youngest of the family Stewart who one day just stopped talking to #3 sister( #5 child) and hasn’t been heard of since.

To say we’re not a close family is a bit of an understatement. And I bet this has never happened to anyone who lost a parent;

“When we all arrived at your mums on the day of her funeral <…>  had already cleared the property and all that was left were photographs and bric-a-brac.  Anything of any alleged monetary value was gone”

It’s difficult being so far away to be judgemental, but the anger and angst that that causes is palpable and drives a wedge in the family that doesn’t need to exist.

Trying to get even a guesstimate on the remaining monetary value of the estate (bank accounts, insurances etc) has proved impossible, everyone has a figure in mind, and they’re all different. If someone knows then they’re not saying, and trying to get a bank to disclose anything is a mission.

I know it’s only a year, and I know that resolution of someone who has dies intestate may take time to resolve. The will of the family however appears to be questionable. We’re not close (did I mention that) and by-and-large it seems that at least 5 out of the 8 children (can’t speak for the missing one) are financially not challenged enough to want to pursue this more vigorously.

My points of contention and – if you like – anger are around who’s doing what? and why are we all waiting for someone else in the family to do something?. And that someone else, why don’t they email the rest of us to tell us what’s going on? To which a couple of answers, one of which I already mentioned, financially it makes no difference.

Secondly there is a thing called “life” that gets in the way, the birthdays, the holidays, the parties. the getting on with life in general. A day becomes a week, becomes a month, becomes 3 months, it just happens. No one is to blame.

However, whilst a few hundred or a thousand pounds/dollars might not make a difference one way or another to me (or at least 4 others in the family) it might make a difference to the other 3. IT might make a difference to a charity organisation, a sheltered accommodation group, a women’s refuge. It’s just in the way you look at it as to how to decide if if makes a difference.

I fear that getting to a resolution is going to cause more rifts than it cures, and for an already estranged family it might yet get just that bit stranger.

I need to say that if my  family are reading this – it’s not about you, it’s about the way I feel about it, remember offence is taken not given, and you can choose.

Apr 25 2012

Feeding time at the family zoo


Breakfast

Breakfast (Photo credit: annalibera)

It’s unusual for us as a family not to all eat at the time, particularly for the evening meal. It’s a habit we’ve always endeavored to maintain.

Sometimes we may not be in the same room, but generally we’ll all be eating the same dish.And even then not in the same room still can mean within conversation distance of each other.

Today though we had family brunch, and we all came away smiling about the nonsense we manage to discuss, from the Ball Gown (no surprises) to the ages we were as a parents when we met each other, beds. and the creepy guy at the gym.

There is nothing that brings me as much pleasure as family eating times. They’re important and part of our family.

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Mar 25 2012

Helping them grow up – the frustrating bit


Having two children, one a boy and one a girl. and with them having diametrically opposed dispositions is making for a fractious time.

The awkward  bit after teenage and before the leaving home  bit. That awkward bit when they’re just hanging around.

The boy. Lazy or stubborn is  word that we as parents use. Along with bright, capable, clever, and also with nice personality and  gentle. But Lazy or willfully stubborn.

He’s just as happy waiting for something to come to him, and it’s often “someone else’s fault”, “I waiting for someone”, or mostly “I’ll do it tomorrow”. I’m sure it’s not deliberate and that he is this way with everyone he has as friends.

As a gown man it makes me despair that MrsPdubyah has to leave a list of things that he has to do, and this list includes ‘pick up your wet towel from the floor” and “do not leave your wet towel on your bed”.

And you’ll know we brought him a new car (well two new to him cars one of which we never mention), and I’ve yet to have a thank you for that, even words, but it would be nice to get a 6 pack or a bottle of wine as a token. It’s expensive getting them their freedom.

Spending every waking moment in his bedroom isn’t helping either, oh he has  30 hours a week job, but this leaves him with two full days of mooching and waiting.

And we’re waiting on him moving out, well I am, and I’m hoping that this will be the waking up and facing up that the world is a bit scary and that you have to go to it rather than letting it come to you. It’s ok having a grand plan, and his appears to be load up with another 10K of student debt on the promise of a job. We’ve told him to work hard for 6 months and then if he really wants it to think about it again, or take the night class option and learn and work at the same time. Like that’s going to happen.

All of which sounds a bit nasty, although it isn’t meant to be. It’s just very frustrating that he’s uncommunicative, and outwardly selfish and greedy. I’m sure he’s as uncomfortable with it as I am.

The other one, the girlchild, well she was a fairly handy top grade field hockey player and has had a fair chunk of investment made in her sports achievements. Not this year, she’s given up, dead stop given up. Nothing more to be said. Heartbreaking on our part, but she’s throwing her weight about. I think that she’ll regret it.

But she is study mad, and will over analyze her study assignments and write endless lists of things that she wants to do when she leaves schools and gets to University. Which surprises me as I thought that she’d be heading overseas for a bit of OE. There is plenty of time for change of minds to happen though, we’ll see.

Common to both of them is the expectation of a hotel level lifestyle, always food in the fridge and if it’s in the fridge or cupboard then it’s fair game to be eaten. Even if it’s something unusual and different that we don’t usually have. That and the magical laundry and picking up fairy that follows them around. Oh and the magical Internet fairy that ensures we don’t have too little interwebs and always have access 24/7. All those things.

Also common to both of them is this pain I have that they both have cushy lives. We have a comfortable house, in a comfortable place, and they both have comfortable rooms, plenty of food and don’t really want for much. This is in some measure a response to my own frugal upbringing and my own way of trying to make it better for them. What will be scary is that they’ll struggle to make it to the same level of comfort that we have as parents. So I’m note sure we are doing any favors.

In the unlikely event they read this I would suggest that they both start brining things to the table, by way of chores and by way of helping out, from knowing the lawns, washing cars, putting the washing on, vacuüm and tidy duties, and the dreaded cleaning the shower and bathroom things. Although MrsPdubyah seems to enjoy those it gives her something to complain to me about that the kids aren’t doing,

On the upside they don’t smoke, do drugs, or part till they vomit. They’re well spoken and well mannered and a pleasure to be around (so other parents tell me) but like most tweens they are lost in a new world where the jobs I started at don’t exist, you know the ones with the Banks, the Post Office, the Insurance companies, the Government Departments, those jobs that we now do with Laptops and call-centers.

It’s hard and not getting easier, I’m happy to let them go, and often wish they’d get the hint, treating them as children isn’t working out well, and MrdPdubyah is getting to that point slowly. Sadly the house will be empty without them, and that’ll me me and MrsPdubyah will have to entertain ourselves.

Oct 26 2011

Testing Teeenager Times


Daughter is 17. And she’s growing up into the world. So much that socialising is becoming more and more prevalent. Mostly we’re ok with it, we think we have a handle on here friends and what they are like, know of their parents etc. Not smotheringly, but just in passing. “We know of”

So she comes home and gives us this tale. Her friend MS.X. has asked her if 3 of her friends, who are boys, are all 19 and working, and are from a different part of town, can crash at our place after the party as they can’t get home. MS.X. says that here mother won’t allow them to stay at her place.

So we said no. This didn’t seem appropriate and that it was a bit odd that MS.X. would ask, and had asked because my daughter is a friend who would help.

Daughter is a bit miffed and feels like she’s letting her friend down “she’ll be so upset with me”, to which we pointed out that if that was the case then MS.X. wasn’t so much of a friend.

I think we’ve won this time but it is going to get harder to keep saying no. There is a line between prevention and obstruction.