Tag Archives: Parent

Jul 7 2012

Growing up – the one with the leaving home.


#1 Son is about to leave the parental home and set up a love nest with this girlfriend. It’s been a while coming.

As a father I’m pleased that he’s at last making his way in the world and leaving home to set out anew is a big step for anyone to take.

So they’ve found a place to live, and it sounds very 70′s. They have a few things between them, or rather the girlfriend has a few things, since she’s been living away from her parents for a few years. #1 son brings nothing to the table, not even a table.

We’re going to help with the bond for the flat, but MrsPdubyah is reluctant to do more than that. Which is strange possibly because deep down she does not want him to leave the house. You’d think she’d be all for setting him up and letting him go. Proves you can be married for many many years and really not get your partner.

Anyway west down to talk about what they might need to get them into a normal life. The list went like this;

  • Broadband
  • Fridge
  • Washing Machine
  • Table and Chairs
  • Crockery
  • Knives and forks
  • Chest of draws for clothes
  • Electricity Account

in that order. Really yes.

Last night #1 son had an intense hour on the interwebtubes looking at the price of broadband plans.

I’m sure he’ll be right, his girlfriend will sort out his lack of ability to pick up dirty clothes and to his inability to find the kitchen sink to wash plates up. It’s a big challenge.

One thing MrsPdubyah did say to #1 Son was that because they didn’t have a washing machine that he’d be fine to drop off his dirty laundry to home and she’d be happy to wash it and drop it back to him. WTF seriously!

Apr 10 2012

Growing up – the one about finding a job


It’s not easy finding a job at the moment and #boychild is finding this out first hand.

Having passed some A levels (he’s fairly bright) and deciding that further education didn’t appeal so much got a full time employ, but with a 5am to 1pm shift, which is all well and dandy if you’ve got no friends and want to be in bed by 9am to get your sleep quota in.

Having done that for year he became seduced by the bright lights of further education and had his heart set on Geography/Humanities/Something or other at Auckland university. Despite many questions as to whether it was the “right” thing to study off he went.

For a year. When it became obvious that either he didn’t like study or that he’d chosen the wrong thing.

Leave Uni having achieved partial success and some not so stellar results. Spent all the savings accrued from the year in employ - nett funds now a few gold coins.

Again frustratingly for parents he leaves finding a job untill after Christmas for no reason other than a misplaced hope of success. Yeah like that happens.

And Herein lies a problem. Having left school and had a job for a year, and then a year at Uni #boychild is a couple of years of experience short of a school leaver, but older. And he’s fighting a school leaver fresh off the boat for a job. Any job, if only he knows which one. So older with little by way of recommendation and references. It was never going to be easy.

Back to reality then. Part of being “on the dole” is compulsory attendance at finding work seminars. These seem to be tick the box activities for WINZ and not a lot about finding employ for people.

They then fit you up with a job, that it seems you have to accept. And the doozy they fit #boychild up with was a 30 hours a week, casual hours, thing in a café. The hours varied according to the whim of the owner and often he would return to home for 3 or 4 hours before having to go back for an evening shift. Weird or what. There were days when he went in for an hour. There were days he didn’t go in at all.

Seems the proprietor of the said café establishment had signed up to a cash for job scheme. Employee gets hours for work, employer get subsidy.

So from the parents view of things he’s press-ganged into a job of work that’s neither full-time or appropriate. 30 casual hours in a kitchen cooking from German language menus, not the stuff of legend.

And from a parents point of view, because that’s all we have we suddenly get “I’m told that one more mistake and I’m fired” and it seems there was a rather public dressing down in front of customers with a WINZ person present who, he says said “If you lose this job you’ll lose the dole” which sounds sort of odd and sort of not.

To be honest it’s not a job that I would have put #boychild up for, cooking and cleaning not really his two major strengths to be honest, judging by his domestic habits.

Today though he gets a text telling him not to come to work anymore, a text no less, so he rang and the proprietor tells him that he’s no longer needed.

There are a couple of questions as a parent, and employee that I have

  1. Was there a work contract?
  2. Did you agree a 90 day trial period, understanding that you could be fired without cause within the 90 days?
  3. What “mistakes” did you make, and what training or supervision was given to ensure that you understood the requirements?
  4. Did the WINZ person really allow a dressing down in front of customers in the way you said?

I’m hoping that this is the rock bottom and that the only way is up, I’m damned if I’m going to let #boychild mope and spiral out of control into some kind of career beneficiary status, and I’m damned if I’m going to encourage him into a further $10K of student debt to gain a diploma in IT or some such.

Things have a way of working out if you’re motivated and ready to take a knock or two, as a parent this is a hard time to be a parent, as a worker this is a hard time to look for a job, and whilst I don’t expect him to lower his sights he might have to accept that to get on the ladder you have to get on the ladder.

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Mar 25 2012

Helping them grow up – the frustrating bit


Having two children, one a boy and one a girl. and with them having diametrically opposed dispositions is making for a fractious time.

The awkward  bit after teenage and before the leaving home  bit. That awkward bit when they’re just hanging around.

The boy. Lazy or stubborn is  word that we as parents use. Along with bright, capable, clever, and also with nice personality and  gentle. But Lazy or willfully stubborn.

He’s just as happy waiting for something to come to him, and it’s often “someone else’s fault”, “I waiting for someone”, or mostly “I’ll do it tomorrow”. I’m sure it’s not deliberate and that he is this way with everyone he has as friends.

As a gown man it makes me despair that MrsPdubyah has to leave a list of things that he has to do, and this list includes ‘pick up your wet towel from the floor” and “do not leave your wet towel on your bed”.

And you’ll know we brought him a new car (well two new to him cars one of which we never mention), and I’ve yet to have a thank you for that, even words, but it would be nice to get a 6 pack or a bottle of wine as a token. It’s expensive getting them their freedom.

Spending every waking moment in his bedroom isn’t helping either, oh he has  30 hours a week job, but this leaves him with two full days of mooching and waiting.

And we’re waiting on him moving out, well I am, and I’m hoping that this will be the waking up and facing up that the world is a bit scary and that you have to go to it rather than letting it come to you. It’s ok having a grand plan, and his appears to be load up with another 10K of student debt on the promise of a job. We’ve told him to work hard for 6 months and then if he really wants it to think about it again, or take the night class option and learn and work at the same time. Like that’s going to happen.

All of which sounds a bit nasty, although it isn’t meant to be. It’s just very frustrating that he’s uncommunicative, and outwardly selfish and greedy. I’m sure he’s as uncomfortable with it as I am.

The other one, the girlchild, well she was a fairly handy top grade field hockey player and has had a fair chunk of investment made in her sports achievements. Not this year, she’s given up, dead stop given up. Nothing more to be said. Heartbreaking on our part, but she’s throwing her weight about. I think that she’ll regret it.

But she is study mad, and will over analyze her study assignments and write endless lists of things that she wants to do when she leaves schools and gets to University. Which surprises me as I thought that she’d be heading overseas for a bit of OE. There is plenty of time for change of minds to happen though, we’ll see.

Common to both of them is the expectation of a hotel level lifestyle, always food in the fridge and if it’s in the fridge or cupboard then it’s fair game to be eaten. Even if it’s something unusual and different that we don’t usually have. That and the magical laundry and picking up fairy that follows them around. Oh and the magical Internet fairy that ensures we don’t have too little interwebs and always have access 24/7. All those things.

Also common to both of them is this pain I have that they both have cushy lives. We have a comfortable house, in a comfortable place, and they both have comfortable rooms, plenty of food and don’t really want for much. This is in some measure a response to my own frugal upbringing and my own way of trying to make it better for them. What will be scary is that they’ll struggle to make it to the same level of comfort that we have as parents. So I’m note sure we are doing any favors.

In the unlikely event they read this I would suggest that they both start brining things to the table, by way of chores and by way of helping out, from knowing the lawns, washing cars, putting the washing on, vacuüm and tidy duties, and the dreaded cleaning the shower and bathroom things. Although MrsPdubyah seems to enjoy those it gives her something to complain to me about that the kids aren’t doing,

On the upside they don’t smoke, do drugs, or part till they vomit. They’re well spoken and well mannered and a pleasure to be around (so other parents tell me) but like most tweens they are lost in a new world where the jobs I started at don’t exist, you know the ones with the Banks, the Post Office, the Insurance companies, the Government Departments, those jobs that we now do with Laptops and call-centers.

It’s hard and not getting easier, I’m happy to let them go, and often wish they’d get the hint, treating them as children isn’t working out well, and MrdPdubyah is getting to that point slowly. Sadly the house will be empty without them, and that’ll me me and MrsPdubyah will have to entertain ourselves.

Oct 26 2011

Testing Teeenager Times


Daughter is 17. And she’s growing up into the world. So much that socialising is becoming more and more prevalent. Mostly we’re ok with it, we think we have a handle on here friends and what they are like, know of their parents etc. Not smotheringly, but just in passing. “We know of”

So she comes home and gives us this tale. Her friend MS.X. has asked her if 3 of her friends, who are boys, are all 19 and working, and are from a different part of town, can crash at our place after the party as they can’t get home. MS.X. says that here mother won’t allow them to stay at her place.

So we said no. This didn’t seem appropriate and that it was a bit odd that MS.X. would ask, and had asked because my daughter is a friend who would help.

Daughter is a bit miffed and feels like she’s letting her friend down “she’ll be so upset with me”, to which we pointed out that if that was the case then MS.X. wasn’t so much of a friend.

I think we’ve won this time but it is going to get harder to keep saying no. There is a line between prevention and obstruction.